Tuesday, July 8, 2014

black holes and stuff~


  

     I have always lived beside a black hole, just as some people live beside a creek, or a school, or a park. It's swirling, sucking motion is a constant concern for me, because slipping into the darkness is much easier than finding the way out again. It's my dark space-crazy, chaotic, jumbled, and messy. I'm not like other people. I see them going through their day and they don't seem crazy at all. I feel embarrassed that maybe they all know that I am not like them. I am always on the verge of falling into the black hole.
     Albert cries, “Mom, don't go! Please! Please! Don't go!”

    “I want you to come, too, sweetie, ” I calmly and lovingly look at him.

    “I don't want to go and I don't want you to go either,” he whines and continues, “it's too dangerous!”

“ Honey, it's not like I'm jumping out of a plane or something. I'm just renting a car to drive to the coast so we can pick shells. Dad has got you so panicky! First he's afraid to fly, now he's afraid to drive, next he'll be afraid to breathe!” Albert laughs for a second, then continues his pleading, “Mom, please don't go.”

Randy walks in. “Why do you have to do this?! You're a lot of trouble, you know. We could go at the end! You don't need to do this now. ”

“It's that the weather's good now, and also I just need to get away from the University and the English major stuff, and you're so busy, that you need a rest from Albert and me for a couple of days anyway.”

“You're so selfish, and you're a prima donna!”

“What does that even mean?”

“You know you can't drive on the left side of the road!” Albert continues, “please don't go. It's too dangerous!”

Randy sternly affirms, “If you do go, Albert cannot go with you! Are we clear on that?!”

“Mom, you can't go; we can go at the end with Barry and Dad!”

Randy looks cold and unrelenting. I can still picture his happy, laughing face, but that was long ago, and I really miss it. I wish I could still charm him like in the old days. “Cheryl, you are so selfish; It's so inconsiderate and irresponsible, and you know it costs too much money!”

“Mom, nooooo! Don't go....!”

The tediousness of the conversation caused my footing to slip and into the black hole I fell once more, like I've done so many times before since I was even a small child. Dark, lost, flailing, intense noise around me......Then after a period of time, silence.

I gathered myself up off of the floor where I lay, and managed to get myself outside to the bus stop. I recognized the young bus driver; I had ridden his bus before. “I'm going to McCurtain St.” I say it like it's a question.

“What d'ya go there for? Train Station?”

“I'm going to try rent a car at Hertz”

“Oh, well I guess it's there then. Here's your ticket, love.”

     I manage to find the Hertz office and wait my turn behind a young couple.

“You're having a baby pretty soon,” I say to her, stating the obvious.

“Yeah, only a month and a half to go. I can't wait,” she smiles. “Where you goin?”

“I want to go to this peninsula I read about. Can't get there by bus. I reserved a room at a B and B in a town called Fethard-On-Sea.”

“Oh that's in Wexford, where I'm from. Yes it's lovely there.” Their car is ready and we smile as they leave. “Bye now.”

At the counter I find that there are no more cars today. “We can get you a very small car tomorrow morning? Is that alright? Sorry, it's just very busy this time of year. Let us know by 6, if you want to reserve it, okay?”

As I decide whether to “defy” my crazy husband, or listen to my crazy self, I walk back from downtown Cork to our apartment-about a 45 minute walk. The buffalo song plays in my head. I don't even know the words, but it keeps playing anyway, and it's okay because I realize that I like it after all. I stop in at a health food store along the way. “I have travel anxiety.”

“This line of remedies is very good. They're very gentle.”

“I think I need something strong.” She softly chuckles, “sometimes the gentle treatments are better.”

“I know,” I smile, too, and purchase a product in liquid form called, “confidence.” “I don't need a bag,” I say and stuff it into the backpack already filled with things which I thought would get me through the next couple of days on the Irish coast.

  • Walking along St Patrick St in downtown Cork, the black hole is just behind me as I can feel it's pull, with a strength like that of a tractor beam from Star Trek. I keep pushing onward though, into the daylight, with the buffalo song playing somewhere. I know that Albert, who has gone to work with Randy today, will be happy to see that I'm still home when he returns. And I'm looking forward to see him, too.